AreYouShaved.com | Nude, Vulnerable, Fearlessly Candid

She’s crass, she loves to talk about taboo subjects like sexuality and race, but best of all, she’s unapologetic. One of the funniest, most entertaining female comics in the world of stand-up, I got to sit down with the Grammy-nominated “Loveable Queen of Mean” Lisa Lampanelli at Outwrite Books in Atlanta, Georgia last week where she told me a little bit about her debut book, how being in love will affect her stand-up material, and her definition of great sex.

You studied Journalism at Syracuse University. How does it feel to go from writing for magazines like Rolling Stone, to writing your own book?

It was a lot easier writing about other people, because I really didn’t give a crap about them, but writing about myself is hard because you’re digging up all this stuff from the past and everything, so the process kind of sucked, but it was worth it, because I read the book now, and honestly, it’s actually good.

It’s something that I’m like, “Oh my gosh!” And I get e-mails and stuff from, for example, girls who read the food rehab chapter, or the co-dependency and want to get away from a bad guy or something, and they’re like, “Wow, that really inspired me,” so it’s kind of gay to go, “Oh, I inspired somebody,” but if that’s a result, other than just making people laugh, that’s cool. But the process itself is really hard.

How long did it take you to write the book?

It must have been six months, on and off. I’d sit down and do one chapter a day for a while, and be like, “Oh God, this sucks,” like three days a week, and you’d just want to kill yourself, but luckily it came out the way I wanted. But it will be a long time before I do another one, I think.

In the book you talk about you conquering food, how do you think food and sex relate to each other?

I think it’s easy to become addicted to either one — and as I sit here eating chocolates when I’m not supposed to be — you can see that, I just think it’s really like any addiction, anything can be addictive, and I was never a sex addict, believe me — because I don’t even know how to do it right, but I was definitely a love addict, where I just wanted to be in a relationship all the time, so I think it’s just like, I’m not one of those who’s like, “Oh, food and sex go together because you lick whipped cream off each other” — we’d be 800 fucking pounds, so we don’t do anything kinky like that, but I think they relate in just that one should try not to get lost in either one and you’ll probably be okay. Everything in moderation.

Earlier in the reading you talked about having a huge gay following. Why do you think you don’t have more of a straight-female following?

I do. I just never had cultivated it, because I do comedy like a guy, and straight women never pay for tickets. I never cultivated any sort of following, I never said, “Oh, I’m going to set out for straight guys to like me, or gay guys.” I thought whoever liked it, liked it.

I think there is maybe a 20 percent straight girl, but I think it’s more straight guys, which, let’s be honest, that’s a good person to appeal to, because who likes women comics? Not straight guys. So, it’s good to be the only one that they like. Whoever likes it, likes it, and you can’t really control it, so I try not to sweat it too much.

How have you dealt with the criticism that comes with incorporating your sex life into your comedy routine?

They’re like, “You won’t work certain places if you’re ‘blue,’” — which is code word for “dirty” — and it’s like, “Oh, I won’t work at where, exactly? The fucking Shriners [Hospital]? Oh, I won’t be doing shows for crippled kids at the children’s hospital?”

I’m not for everybody. You’re going to play where you’re going to play, they’re going to like it where they like it, and as long as there’s 52 places a year that I can play, so I can at least work once a week, I’m happy.

Some people say doing dirty talk, or doing a dirtier act is easier. Dude, it’s not easier if you need to deliver and be clever at all. I think people who try to force being dirty, you can see right through it.

The reason I talk dirty, I’ll be honest with you, I fucking talk dirty in my real life. We — points at her fiancé — fucking, are always yelling this and that and the other, I say “fuck” all the time; “cunt.” So if I wasn’t it on stage, people would say she’s holding something back. I’m just being myself, without forcing any sort of agenda, or whatever.

How do you think your engagement will change your stand-up routine?

Well, I already have 25 minutes on [my fiancé's] balls alone, so that’s pretty fucking good. It’s only been six months. I don’t subscribe to that, “Oh, the happier you get, the less funny you’ll be,” because I’ve gotten tons of therapy and I’ve gotten more secure and happy, even though I’m nowhere where I should be, and I’m still funny. And I’m probably funnier and take more chances, because being in a good relationship, you don’t feel like it’s going to deter it at all.

What’s your definition of great sex?

This sounds so fucking gay, but I honestly think if you really care about the person, it helps a lot.

I, personally, — on a blow-by-blow basis — I personally like the gutter talk. I’m very into the dirty talk. I love it. I love being told to do things that I know in real life I’m not going to do, but I pretend I’m going to do in the sack. I’m like, “Oh, yeah. I’ll take it in the ass.” Yeah, right!

My poor fiancé finds it very confusing, because he’ll be like, “Are we going to do it or not?” I’m like, “No, asshole. That’s just dirty talk.”

So I do like it dirty, but I do like occasionally where you’re just like, you know, kind of having that really intimate moment stuff, too. I think it’s a combination. You can’t just have all hardcore, all the time, or all the fruffy fucking, as if we’re in the movie “Ghost.” It has to be a combination.