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Alright, here it is: I’m a bad girl.

Wow, it feels so good to say that. The truth is, it took me a long time to come to terms with that statement. Don’t get me wrong, I suspected I was one for many years, but it wasn’t until I was unsympathetically identified as one by an ex-lover that incited a new level of personal and social reflection.

Actually, he didn’t call me a bad girl. What he said was, “You’re not a good girl,” which was far more offensive. He reasoned the notches on my bedpost were too plentiful, I’d experimented with too many drugs, and my preference for certain sexual practices placed me outside the good girl box.

I counter-argued that, while those ticks do exist on my invisible bad girl report card, they were voided by and replaced with my good girl deeds: I am a good friend and daughter (even if I can be flakey), I am not a criminal (even if I was arrested for a DUI), and I practice safe sex (even if my mouth doesn’t).

As I found out, from him and social conversations and observations, is that, when it comes to good girls versus bad girls, a woman’s label derives from the one-drop rule. Here, the one-drop rule does not apply in terms of race or color, but social good girl versus bad girl practices. Even if a girl is more good than bad, the bad is more likely to outweigh the good, thus leaving a stain that permeates.

Take into consideration pop-culture bad girl icons, such as Bettie Page, Angelina Jolie and Lady Gaga.

Despite a longer career as a born-again Christian and missionary, pin-up model Bettie Page remains a fixture of rebellion and sex as one of the first fetish models back in the 1950s.

Similarly, Angelina Jolie, an Academy Award winner and Goodwill Ambassador for the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees, is overshadowed by her reputation as a former heroin user who is thought to have participated in an extramarital affair with actor Brad Pitt, then married to “America’s Sweetheart,” actress Jennifer Aniston.

And singer Lady Gaga, who, not only is a Grammy Award winner and Billboard chart-topper, has received backlash from media outlets such as Fox News, who said one of her music videos was her “pushing twisted sexual fantasies to young children,” a music video she considered liberating for youth in that it attempted to redefine gender roles and boundaries.

The definition of a good girl, of course, is a difficult question to answer. A definition, which, on one hand cannot be defined, but on a large scale is molded on the ideals and characteristics of the parents, church and peers that reside in the community a female lives in.

So what is a good girl? It depends on a person’s perception of the big picture. The mother of a former friend of mine, for example, did not let her daughter hang out with me because I smoked cigarettes. Meanwhile, my friend did cocaine with her boyfriend… a man who had recently been released from jail.

But good girls aren’t always judged based on extreme actions relating to sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll. According to a group of teenage girls polled by author Rachel Simmons, society expects good girls to honor certain characteristics, such as: people pleaser, no opinions on things, generous, kind, follows the rules, natural hair, good grades, enthusiastic, well rounded, flirtatious, follower, perfect, Barbie.

Conversely, their description of bad girls was described as: piercings, dark hair, rule breaker, foul mouth, loud music, fights, cheats, lies, punk, selfish, dramatic dress, speaks her mind, artistic, rebel, slut.

In real life, however, things aren’t always as cut and dry as a list. What happens when you mix traits from both sides? What if you have a “kind” (1), “dark-haired” (2), “well rounded” (1), “artistic” (2) woman who has a “foul mouth” (2), gets “good grades” (1), listens to “loud music” (2), is “kind” (1) and loves herself a “dramatic dress” (2)? That makes four ticks for the good girl side, and five for the bad girl side. It’s like a really complicated math equation. After all, what does it all mean? Does this mean Katy Perry is really a good girl after all? Or is it, bad girl?

Bad boy John Mayer caused some commotion in the kingdom of celebrity when he described his ex-girlfriend Jessica Simpson as “sexual napalm,” a pop figure who was synonymous with good girl ethics having been a virgin when she wed and commonly sold to the public as a Christian girl. In the case of someone like Jessica Simpson, who knew the former Christian singer and good girl had a wild side? Had Mayer not highlighted that aspect of her, the public would not know.

Which raises another point about good girls: discretion. Unless people find out about certain bad girl characteristics, she might be perceived as a good girl, but discretion does not mean non-existence. After all, good girls are really bad girls in sheep’s clothing. Did Mayer really have to tell us about his girlfriend’s wild side, or do we not have enough life experience and imagination to know that sometimes it’s the good girl that is baddest?

That’s because the good girl is dead. She does not exist. The one-drop rule has killed her. It is a label based on certain things we see and know, but for all we understand about people, there’s always much more that we know not of. It’s not that bad girl characteristics don’t exist, so much as part of being a good girl is having that bad side, even if no one knows it. Like it has been said by countless men time and time again, a good girl is being good in public, but wild bad closed doors.

We asked some of Atlanta’s brightest singles and wild ones to weigh in on what they think is the definition of a good girl. Check out there videos here!

What’s your definition? Submit your video at ays.com/goodgirl.

We asked some of Atlanta’s brightest singles and wild ones to weigh in on what they think is the definition of a good girl.

What’s your definition? Submit your video at ays.com/goodgirl.

“Charlie Sheen is giving polyamory a bad name!” the glittery-eyed redhead hollers.

It’s Day One of Atlanta Poly Weekend at the Crowne Plaza Hotel Airport-Atlanta and I am not really sure what to expect. (The man next to me is knitting.)

Redhead Kelley is one of three speakers about to guide the panel on “Polyamory & Skeptism.” About her disdain for Sheen, Kelley explains she recently came out as a polyamorist to her parents and worried they would associate her lifestyle with the erratic actor’s rants about being in a relationship with two women.

With the projector finally set up, she moves on to a PowerPoint presentation about the importance of speaking the same language in a verbal and social context.

“Polyamory,” Kelley begins, “does not equal cheating.”

So what is polyamory?

“Is it like that show Big Love?” a friend of mine asked me when she found out I was coming to check out APW. (The answer: no.)

Merriam-Webster defines polyamory as the practice of having more than one open, romantic relationship at a time, but if you were to ask any of the participating panelists (a range of professors, therapists, attorneys, web developers, lieutenants, dance instructors, BDSM enthusiasts and steampunks), their definitions are more intimate.

“Polyamory is a different kind of love; it’s a family of love,” says Billy, a 34-year-old married father of three. “Polyamory, ” he adds, “is not a disease. Polyamory is about being in a healthy, open, honest, responsible, ethical, and non-monogamous relationship.”

A poly for 14 years, his current relationship is comprised of his wife as his “primary partner” and a male “secondary partner,” terms used to distinguish levels within a polyamorous relationship, in this case a “triad,” or the romantic involvement between three people.

At the “Coming Out” panel, Billy and his two other partners sit before a group of 20 attendees discussing the personal and social value of polys making their lifestyle known.

“The IT community doesn’t mind so much,” he says. “The more educated, liberal, and open-minded the group, the more receptive they are.”

An open poly for 9 years, Billy is comfortable posting poly-related events on his Facebook and Twitter accounts, despite them being visible to his family and co-workers. His partner, Jeremy, on the other hand, whose Inbox was inundated with Bible verses from his mom after he came out as an Atheist, has yet to come out to his family.

“Are you ready for everyone you know to cut you from their lives?” a woman in the back raises her hand and asks him. “Yes,” he replies.

With the exception of a few people in their 20s and a few black couples, the average attendee is white men and women in their 30s, 40s and 50s. Most people are coupled up, while others sit alone.

They drove here, I think. They marked this weekend on their calendar and made plans to come out and meet other people with the same viewpoint as them, people who won’t judge them. It’s admirable. There are people in sexless marriages who can’t even address their dry spell with their supposed lifelong partner, and yet these men and women invest their time and attend a conference to discuss their socially taboo romantic and sexual amalgamation aloud in front of strangers.

Panelists and attendees are well-spoken, polite and seem to have perfected laughing off cultural adversity, but not without raising questions about Georgia morality clauses that restrict poly coupling, case briefs that could be used in a court room, and how some companies are willing to sponsor Atlanta Pride, but not APW.

“Apparently, there’s a line,” Billy says, “and we’re it.”

Despite a foundation based on having more than one romantic relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved, polyamory is a system most often associated with recreational sex without ties, and is often confused with swinging, open relationships or polygamy.

When Melissa, Billy’s wife, tells people she has a boyfriend, she usually gets the same response: “But how does it work?” they ask. “Would you like me to draw you a diagram?” she jokes, alluding to the sexual roles in their relationship.

Listening to people speak, I notice the reactions people receive about their lifestyle depends on their sex. The response women seem to get is more of a *howcouldyou?!* gasp, while non-poly men seem to socially high-five poly men involved with more than one woman.

In reaction to those who pass judgment on her polyamorous lifestyle, one attendee admits her go-to response is: “How are you monogamous? How can you only love one person at a time?” The room laughs and cheers at this.

As the conversation flows, Billy and Melissa’s preschool-aged daughter sits next to them, crayon in hand, concentrating on her drawing. For the most part, she doesn’t look up during the lecture. Raising children is no easy task, and I wonder how having polyamorous parents affects a child growing up. A part of me wants to take the progressive route and think it has no averse reaction, but another part of me keeps wondering why she’s not wearing ear muffs during the panel.

It surprises me how many children are here. When I first arrived, my illusions of wild sexual exploits and threesomes were immediately shattered as my eyes landed not on a triad couple holding hands or sharing a three-way kiss, but young children running across the room laughing. Throughout the weekend, the children will participate in a scavenger hunt,  watch Saturday morning cartoons, and make cardboard flowers, among other scheduled activities.

Upon entering, my eyes also land on a man with a pony tail, which, to quote Seinfeld in a respective, yet different context, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that,” but my superficial side finds itself contemplating: Where are all the pretty poly people at?

When it comes to sex, I don’t really care what anyone is into, so long as all participating parties consent. It’s true I am not a polyamorist, but it’s also true I haven’t ruled it out. After all, who knows what I’ll be into five years from now? (It’s a slippery slope, or so I’ve heard.)

But, as I look around, my imagination cannot help in shapeshifting attendees into a group of hipster-looking types. If the average attendee bore the same physical appearance of Hollywood hotties such as James Franco and Mila Kunis, then maybe I wouldn’t be leaving alone today. Instead, I have a Danny DeVito look-a-like giving me the eye.

At the “Interpersonal Communication” panel, a shaved-headed 8-year poly and BDSM enthusiast, Ms. Noel passes out a rubric on how to better communication, a crucial component to the lifestyle. Among her advice for a healthy and happy relationship is for all partners to meet once a week and discuss what has and has not worked.

As she speaks, I am distracted by a woman who walks in and sits down. She looks so familiar, I think to myself. I go through my mental filing cabinet, sifting for her identity. The man next to her is shorter than she, wearing a billowy-pirate shirt, a corset and goggles atop his head that he may have purchased from the Indiana Jones set on eBay.

Then it hits me: Dear sweet Jesus and Mary Chain, she was a professor of mine.

Seeing a an academic mentor out in the real world can be odd enough, but this is something else altogether. My memory flashes to that time she missed class because her husband (or was it her?) injured himself in a cycling event. I consider events and conferences other panelists discussed participating in—KinkFest, S&M Convention—and I realize there exists a possibility her husband didn’t injure himself at a cycling event, my imagination drawing an image of him acting as her leather-bound submissive.

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